Tuesday, September 29, 2009

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Waiting

Maybe you sleep ... Maybe there I could too! As always, my mind is crowded with a myriad of things, especially in this moment memories.
I know, I know: you have to look ahead ... But how can I do if I forget what I have just left behind me?
do not know what I would give now to be able to speak, even if it was the confusion that I have within me. Or just to watch you sleep. How many times have I done.
Sometimes I take a very strong desire to extend my hand as to want to reach out for you: it is as though something in me told me that he would still have you, no matter where I am. Basically it would be easier ...
would be easy, right? Should I just close my eyes, leaning on my hand and feel there with me. Maybe we're really, but I can not tell my true feelings than purely illusory; I can not tell if what I feel is true or merely the result of yet another self-deception.
I know that, in one way or another, these doubts will be dispelled, but I must admit that I expect to continue to work harder than I ever imagined.
The fact is that hard or not hard, that's what I do: I've done so far and continue to do so ... Until I know that the waiting time will finally come to an end.
And, perhaps, is precisely that moment that I should fear more ... The

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

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The knife

nights are strange, this: my hands and mind run free, and each node keyboard seems loose, but I know it's not all. The largest node is still there, waiting for me, challenges me to delete it because he knows I can do it. The easiest thing at this point, you say "I'll make sure," but would not be true: I have doubts.
E 'and a confused period, in some respects, difficult. My mind is clouded by a flood of memories, from fear, from the words that fill my thoughts, unable to escape. And all this is depressing, is "heavy .
I do everything possible not to drag me down I know I can do that and I will succeed. Writing. For the umpteenth time, I do not care what comes out of my mind and my hands, but will be out! Whatever it is, be free! And if not now find a way, does not mean that it has not ... And I'll find, well, I'll find out.
And 'the only cure I have, the only remedy I know to give vent to all that stirs in me. Quell ' scream that is still growing, which has not yet reached the size of a real scream, which I will ease gradually.
maybe I'll feel drained afterwards, and I fear. But that's where I can start over, that's where I'll start to really walk . Somehow, I am new: shut up the door that separates myself writing in this time by myself that I'll be bringing in the baggage of all that I have experienced. Without the ballast, without allowing imaginary weights are passed for real, preventing me to go on, get up to . Why are not made to stand down: I found my wings, I found that I can use them and I just have to cut the ballast.
Writing is my knife, my projects and my will and the hand that holds the operation with increasing power and effectiveness. Ballast will be the last cut, and only that will remain on the ground, and I'll be finally free.
Again . The cage I myself have built collapse. And I'll be really, really free ... The

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

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Il Trovatore

"... In this dark night, wrapped in to you I am. And you do not know it ..."

I can not say more. Not now ...
I, really, but I can not.
I wrote because only through the words of Leonora I can take out from the mind and heart that I live.
But enough: I should not write it, and these words are already too vague!
The time will come, but now it's early ... Not now. The

Monday, September 7, 2009

Pressure In My Lower Abdomen With Peeing A Lot



I closed my eyes. Surprisingly, not to put anything into that limbo between sleep and wakefulness. I hear outside sounds muffled and distant, but I have full knowledge of me. A feeling began to make space in me, becoming stronger, more defined: fear. My body is immobilized, but I'm smiling. This time I am aware, is beginning! I feel the fear invade my whole body, but I know it's normal, I'm ready to go. Now I know what it is, and even fear itself, yet so strong, I'm not afraid anymore.
begins to move, as to want to sit. But I know they are absolutely still. Keep moving, almost unbearable in that mixture of elation and fear. Everything is confused, dark ... But it is normal: it is night. And 'as if, by dint of wanting sat up, go down, but instead I'm lifting, I'm seconding . As long as I turn around, and the mess that I see, I see myself. What a nice feeling to not have more weight!
I really want to go, but I still can not. So I came back. I'll be back in me.
open my eyes for a brief moment, as if about to fall out of bed, but now they close it and start to dream. And dream of you.
remember only the final part of the dream: we were invited to a wedding, it was early morning and I was changing. I do not know why, at that point in the dream I was outside in a dirt clearing, the former type distributor abandoned gas station. My clothes were placed on a low wooden stool painted red. You had to get changed too, but I knew it was inside the house (you had not seen it yet, but I knew that you were there). At one point I turned and saw a luxury car all polished, very dark. Not really black, but almost. Inside there you are.
I greet you with a "Hey" smiling, but you do not answer to my greeting, nor to my smile. You look at me intently in the eye with an expression which transpire feel pain, anger, extreme tiredness. Try to tell me something, but nothing comes out of your mouth, not a single sound. I see you almost breathe with difficulty, I understand what you have inside is too big and heavy so you can speak. The smile has since disappeared from my face, and my time I look at you intensely. I feel we are really talking, even if we do not say anything: I hear what you have inside you, you hear what I have inside me. Then I see you go, and I will follow with his eyes. I do not know how, but I know you're coming home to get changed, but then I wake up. I still have before my eyes that look. So that is the same that I would see if I was really in front, or if I was in front at this time.
I do not think I've felt closer to you, I do not think I heard you closer to me as during the dream, while that exchange of looks hopeless without speaking. Perhaps the only time I really understood.
you do not talk, but you told me everything. I've heard. Now I know.
you gave me your pain, you showed me in his true face, and I had to go through and overcome the fear to be able to accept. I will have handed over my fear, I harnessed and imprisoned in a strange Pandora's box that only you could deliver. We created the custodians of our darkness.
And darkness is not cheating, you should not, you can not.
E 'perhaps the most authentic of us: trade or kill, destroy us.
I am a fool, but a part of me believes that you have made my own dream. Practically impossible, it is just another one of my delusions. Whatever
has happened, I will take with me that look: a universe to defend ... Your darkest part clearly in the early morning sun ... The